The Unspoken Burden: This Is What I've Learned From Being A Woman In Marriage (and Divorcee)
Today, I'm peeling back the layers on a journey many of us, as women, unknowingly embark on – a path in marriage and partnership that often leads to a silent, crushing weight we never anticipated. It’s a story I know all too well, and perhaps, so do you.
So, let me paint you this picture: you’re a highly capable woman. You ace your job, you're financially independent, you look great, you dress well, you take care of yourself, you are a good mom (almost). Basically, you’re that boss-bitch-domestic-goddess-wifey-material rolled into one. When you get married, you naturally, almost instinctively, start doing a lot of things by default. Why? Because you’re efficient, you're strategic, and frankly, you just get things done. You just figure it out all by yourself. No big deal.
You know how some people wait around for someone else to make a decision or do something? Not you. Planning a date? Bam, it's done. Booking a trip? Handled. Managing your money, ordering groceries, keeping the house organized? You just do it. You don't need anyone to hold your hand or tell you what to do. Asking your mom, sister, or brother for help with these basic life things? Nope, you're not 15 anymore, you're a grown-up.
You know that immediate "ick" feeling when people who have zero business in your personal life start sticking their noses in? It's like you accidentally tell someone a little bit about what's going on, and suddenly they think they have the right to know everything and give you all sorts of advice you never asked for.
They often feel just as entitled to give you their two cents, especially when they say you "need their help" or try to pull the "but we're family!" card. Because, let’s be real, by sharing your stories or venting a bit, you sometimes accidentally open the door for your extended family to meddle. And then you're stuck with all that unsolicited advice. Annoying, right? 🙄.
This gets even trickier if your partner is the type to spill everything to his family – and I mean everything, including your personal stuff. He might think it's harmless, but trust me, this almost always guarantees future arguments and problems down the road. You just never know when it’s going to explode.
Here’s a really important idea to remember:
If a family doesn't respect your partner, chances are, they won't respect you either. And it works the other way around too: if they don't respect you, it pretty much means they don't truly respect your partner, even if he's their own flesh and blood.
Why? Because in a healthy family unit, there's an unspoken understanding that your chosen partner is an extension of you. If they disrespect your partner, they're essentially disrespecting your judgment, your choice, and ultimately, a part of your happiness. Conversely, if they disrespect you, it shows a lack of respect for the person their family member has chosen to build a life with. It suggests they don't value their family member's decision or well-being enough to treat their partner with kindness and consideration.
Think of it this way: this tough situation is truly your partner's battle to fight, not yours. Why? Because he is the reason you're even in that difficult, toxic spot to begin with – it’s because you chose him.
You see, when you marry into a family, you become part of that unit. If existing family issues or new ones arise due to the marriage, your partner—the one who brought you into this family—bears the primary responsibility to advocate for you and set boundaries with his own family. He is the bridge, not your fight. If he allows you to be disrespected or doesn't actively work to create a healthy environment, then yes, it's a direct reflection of his actions (or inactions) that you find yourself in a "toxic spot". It’s his job to protect his spouse and ensure she’s treated with the respect she deserves, even if it means confronting his own family.
Seriously, people, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! It's just too much sometimes.
Coming back to the competency story, for your partner, who might be a little slower, a little less decisive, this dynamic quickly sets in. You’re doing things faster, more seamlessly, and before you know it, he starts to think, "Wow, she's got it covered! Guess I can squeeze in more sleep..." Or more video games. Or more... whatever. The intention might not be malicious, but the outcome is clear: the mental load shifts onto your shoulders.
Then, BAM! Kids enter the picture. And let me tell you, this dynamic isn't just exacerbated; it’s multiplied by a thousand. Now, not only are you running the entire show – managing the household, finances, and the social calendar – you’re also juggling breastfeeding, endless night duties, planning every single kid’s activity, school registrations, tuition prep... the list doesn't just feel endless, it is endless.
Suddenly, you’re looking around, feeling this simmering anger. You’re literally doing everything. The thought echoes in your mind: "I'm better off on my own. Not only is this guy not contributing or helping, he's trapping me as a single mother within this marriage tau!"
The truly maddening part? He’s often completely oblivious to your pain. He’s just thinking, "Great, my life hasn't really changed. She’s got it figured out. Even if I did try to help, what's the point? I don't get praise; I'm taken for granted."
This is where you hit the wall, the critical impasse. One of two things usually happens:
She files for divorce. The burden becomes unbearable, and the path to freedom seems clearer and less taxing than staying.
She drops everything. And I mean everything. No more laundry, no breakfast, no kid duties, no morning drop-offs. It's as if she's mentally and emotionally packed up and left, even if her body is still physically there.
If you're a husband reading this and your partner hasn't left yet, consider yourself lucky. There’s a critical window, a fragile thread of hope she's still clinging to. But for things to stay together, one thing absolutely needs to happen: You need to step up.
Remember when you first started dating? When you’d drive two hours just to talk to her, or stay up all night just to listen to her breathe? That level of effort? Now is when you need to put in that work, or even more. Pick up all the slack. Take on all the burden she has been carrying by herself. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about showing up, consistently and meaningfully.
Oh, I hear you, "Kita kena bersabar, kira kena bersyukur,". But for how long? Suppressing your feelings, feeling rebellious, hurting your own heart – is it really worth staying in a marriage that feels like a sin against yourself? So, like I said – don't bother.
And now, a little tough love for us, women. Based on my real-life experience, ladies, if you expect him to do everything perfectly, exactly to your standard, he doesn't stand a chance. I can tell you, perfection is often the enemy of good, especially in relationships. Learn to outsource like a CEO. Delegate! Give praise where it's deserved – even for small efforts. Let go of some of those perfectionistic standards you might have.
But most importantly, again: knowing your own value is super important. It really stings to leave something you cared about, but if you can already see that staying will only bring you trouble and heartache, then why stick around? Life's too short for that, my dear.
This is especially true when you have kids. All that stress and drama can seriously mess with your head, and it definitely affects your children's well-being too. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is just walk away for your own peace and your family's happiness.
Now, you might think you can fix things and turn a difficult relationship into a real partnership. But if you're constantly having to remind someone about every little thing, if all the mental effort falls on you, and you feel like you’re teaching a grown man how to be a person… then seriously, don't bother.
You already have your hands full raising your own kids. Why add another "child" to the list? In these situations, divorce often becomes a very real and likely outcome. And honestly? A lot of the time, it turns out to be the best decision ever made.
So, where are you on this cycle of marriage?
P/S: Starting over is scary, but you know what’s scarier? Waking up in 10 years and still begging for the bare minimum, with your whole life having passed you by. Good luck.
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